Foster Care: 3 AM.

The phone rang early one morning as my wife, and I attempted to sleep. I was startled! I began to stumble as I reached for the phone. Looking at the alarm clock, it was precisely 3:00 AM. I thought, "Who could that be?" Being groggy, I answered the phone with a groan, "Hello."

The voice on the other end was unfamiliar to me; unclear as to who it was. Speaking in Spanish mixed with a little English, the caller wanted to talk to one of our foster daughters. I interrupted the caller in mid-sentence, "Do you know what time it is?" I added, "What do you want to talk to her for at this hour?"

The man on the other end of the phone attempted to tell me about how important it was that he speak with our foster daughter. He said over-and-over, "I love her!" Of course, my immediate response was "No-ooo w-a-y!" We went back-and-forth in the conversation.

Over time I came to learn that this man was from Mexico. I quickly went to the internet to do a reverse look-up on the phone number. The call came from a tiny town at the southernmost Texas border. This man was from Mexico. As he continued on the phone call, he stated that he got to know our foster daughter and was even dating her on a few of his trips in our area. We had no idea, but we learned later that they would visit with each other during school hours when we thought that she was attending classes. It turns out after further investigation that he was carrying drugs into the region from Mexico. As an aside, I served as a chaplain with the police department, and this information was eventually sent to a contact I had with an investigator. 

I reasoned that his phone call was not intended for me. He didn't want to speak with me after all. He had hoped that our fostered daughter would have picked up the phone. Likely he was in the neighborhood, so I quickly took notice by looking out the window to see if his car was in the driveway or down the road.

As bizarre as that call came was it brought to mind how at-risk these girls were who lived with us. Had they lived with their parents or any others, they would have been putting themselves at-risk more often. We were concerned about this young lady being kidnapped and maybe even taken into Mexico against her will as a part of human trafficking. At least that night, our foster daughter was safe at home.

One of the most basic requirements of being a foster parent to at-risk youth is to keep them safe and help them grow from the experience. We hoped that they would make better decisions for their future. Getting their education completed and staying off drugs as well as not putting themselves at-risk was our defining responsibility.

There’s so much that could be said as we think of each of the girls that lived with us, but we discovered through those times that our attempt to keep them safe and even demonstrate an appropriate love was not going to be easy.  It was the message we hoped would eventually sink into those extraordinary lives.

As we further gained a sense of respect and formed a bond, we would begin to see more and more positive results. I didn’t mean that there weren’t issues to work through, but it was getting better.

We grew as well in the process. We learned so much from these relationships. Our faith also improved as we listened and learned from them. We learned certainly to have compassion, but we also learned insightful values from these young people as well. They certainly helped us to understand prayer more deeply and how to have patience.

In this particular case, we learned the risk of human trafficking and drug abuse. We learned a bit more about what compels at-risk youth to search for acceptance and love in so many different ways.

Whether the phone rang at 3 AM or during the day, surprises lured all around.  We desire to demonstrate a healthy family dynamic while also respecting them as people. We made every effort to offer advice while setting healthy boundaries and defining roles that could be principles they could live by in their adult life. We worked very closely with their probation officer do help them succeed. We spent many hours in case management as well as working with their natural parent (s).

They were challenges, and there were rewards. We felt like the rewards were worth the risks and difficulties. We remained open to learning throughout the process, and over time, became better at what we did well also forming unique bonds that exist even to this day.

Foster Care: From Day One!

Growing up in a large family it wasn’t at all unusual for there to be extra people at the dinner table and even some overnight. I grew up in a family of eight children. Throughout those years it seems as though there were extraordinary experiences but as I would reflect years later I wondered how that experience shaped me and develop me into who I am today.

Our family was not perfect. In fact, it was not even ideal by anyone’s standard. Being raised with six brothers and one sister, you can imagine the incredible conflicts that could occur. Raising so many children must’ve been a stressful experience for my parents.

During most of those years my father worked a factory job, often taking overtime just to make ends meet. All of us were expected to have a job. I can remember learning how to drive by age 9. Even earlier I had a job working for a neighbor pulling up weeds or work in the marina and bringing home the cash to help sustain the family’s needs. Many of us had our jobs including the standard family job which was working as a custodian at our local church. For nearly 30 years our family worked cleaning the church. Equally, we had a paper route that was handed down from sibling to sibling and all of the proceeds helping to benefit the needs of the family. Each of our paychecks were cashed and we were given an allowance but the expectation was that we would meet the needs of the family by pulling our moneys together.

Those experiences helped shape who I am today. For good or for bad, those experiences framed my ministry philosophies. Those  experiences helped plant the idea of doing foster care. 

I am discovering the love is an invitation for God to show up. His love is what we try to represent for each teenager. @RickECarder

Moving to Chicago and getting involved in the local community eventually lead to mentoring at-risk youth and becoming a foster parent. My wife and I prayed about the opportunity and looked into what foster care was all about. We were unaware of all the implications and tremendous experiences we would have as a result. For eight years we involved ourselves with at-risk youth through the probation department. We often said that we were the last stop before the department of corrections.

One such experience lead us to a teenage girl who came to our home as an emergency placement. We knew very little and had very little time to decide whether we could accommodate her needs. We prayed about it and decided that we would give it a try. Throughout this article I will refer to our teenage foster daughter as, "she" or "her" in an effort to protect identity.

We had other foster children in the home but the needs of this teenager was quite unique to us. She came to us after having a mental and psychological breakdown. She was taking her medicine that helps her cope with the various issues of mental health but this also involved a confusing diagnosis. Some professionals thought she had bi-polar others thought schizophrenia. When she arrived we weren't certain we had what it would take to help. Never-the-less, we had a support system in place and our faith that helped guide us.

Upon her arrival we were almost immediately alarmed. She was hallucinating and often drifting between fantasy and reality. Our job is to keep her safe until her medicines could be adjusted or she could receive the proper treatment. No one knew exactly what to do. We were committed and made the best of it even though we didn’t sleep much and we were constantly on guard.

I did my best to reassure my family that it would be okay. I’m sure that my children were not so sure and the look on my wife’s face was one of uncertainty as well. We made daily calls to the supervising agency. We only took teens who were on probation. At times we were on the phone every hour attempting to make any necessary changes so that it would be a good experience for this young and very vulnerable teenage girl.

For me it was much easier because I had grown up in a rather confusing and chaotic world. Being from a large family, this situation was sometimes compared to those days. There were many unsettled situations that occurred from my childhood. Often I wondered if we had made a mistake only because we did have the training necessary to provide the best care we though our foster teen needed.

These were extraordinary times.  At times she was manic and within moments she would be extremely depressed. They were times when she would talk aloud with no one present. She would have seemingly conversations with groups of people with no one around her.

That week seem like months at times. We would stay away, taking shifts. When we did catch a nap we would wake up tired. Many within our community of support and Church stepped in to allow us to take a break and to care for the needs of our own children and the other foster girls.

One of the deepest lessons learned was to be patient and thoughtful. It wasn’t easy for our foster teen either! I remember her asking me, "If I get better, can I come back to live with you?" as she was leaving our home to be placed in a special hospital with specialist to deal with her mental health needs.

What was a tremendous challenge was also an incredible blessing. We learned so much from this young lady and her impact in our lives was definitely enriching for us as well. It was by no means perfect but God seem to see us through each and every day.

Eventually she receive the help that she needed but as she left us I often wondered what more we could’ve done. Weeks past into months but eventually she came back to our home and more permanent basis. She had received treatment and care and it was much more manageable for us. She was able to return to our home on a more permanent basis. Our efforts and desire was to provide for her daily needs and eventually getting her through school and receiving her high school diploma made it seem worth it all.

Children like her are broken and damaged. They require a lot of healing. Our goal was to offer hope that things would get better. We did our best with what we knew and in the midst we hope we represented God’s love through Jesus Christ. Foster Care for us was a ministry to help the most vulnerable in our community.

Our home was a place where teen girls could find hope and given a chance to make healthy decisions that would guide them for the rest of their lives. We felt like we were stewarding grace and protection to at-risk youth. We felt that if given the chance they could flourish and be better prepared to face being an adult.

My wife and I often think about our time being foster parents. We tried to look ahead at the horizon and not just their first day. In many occasions, which we will always remember fondly, at-risk youth could develop. 

We hoped that after her first day being with us would provide time for healing and maturing that could benefit her into her adult life. You just never know what seeds you are planting will develop into. Our aim was in doing the right thing and love is the fertilizer that nurtured growth in her as well as in us!

Take Happiness Seriously!

I don’t know if you ever knew someone who seldom displayed joy and who represented themselves as a Christian. I have met them, many times. I don’t understand it but their religious piety is defined by stoicism and seriousness. They believe that happiness is shallow and lacks spiritual depth. They frown. They appear grumpy. They look angry.

Somehow these Christians missed what the Word of God says about happiness. They may have even passed over passages that include the word blessing. You may be surprised to learn that happiness is central to the Bible. It is central to Christianity. It is central to Catholicism. Read more: Catholic Blessing. It is central to Judaism as well. Read more: Jewish Blessing. It is universally understood as a religious experience. Read more: Cline, Austin. "What Is a Blessing?" Learn Religions, Apr. 17, 2019, learnreligions.com/how-are-people-in-the-bible-248643.

Today I want to encourage us to reflect on this wonderful expression. I want us to take happiness seriously! It should be central to your lives! The Bible is filled with expressions of happiness and blessing. These terms are interchangeable.

Whenever I send email or letter correspondence I sign it with the word, blessings. I intend to hopefully reinforce my understanding of happiness as well as a reminder about being a blessing. I want to be a blessing to those I encounter as well.

Randy Alcorn spent an entire book, some 60 chapters on such happy thoughts. Hannah Whitehall Smith’s notable book dating back to 1885, The Christian Secret to a Happy Life is filled with incredible insights to this notion of happiness.

Make no mistake about it, trouble is ever-present. Happiness is not the absence of trouble. It is in-spite of difficulties. The Bible makes this clear! For starters, there are well over 72 passages you can get started with. Read more: Daily Verses - Blessing!  "As Christians, our happiness makes the gospel contagiously appealing." Randy Alcorn, Happiness.

Just as important as this notion is to our Christian witness we also need to recognize that we are not just talking about being happy but I am talking about joy, blessing, & happiness. It is both internal as well as expressed externally through our actions and demeanor. The old Sunday School children’s song is true, "If you are happy and you know than your face ought to show it!"

It is more than superficial. It is in inner depth of joy that originated with God! Think of ways you can display joy and happiness! Not just in your humor but most important, in your faith journey.

Think of ways you can be a blessing to others! It is something that is contagious. You should be a blessing to others!

With so many who are dealing with mental health challenges including depression, your joy can make a difference. In fact, happiness can be a positive impact in the lives of others.
When should you start? Start today! I love what S. Truett Cathy, founder of Chick-fil-A once said; "How do you know if someone needs encouragement? If they are still breathing!"

We have heard it said that even saying the tune, the joy of the Lord is my strength. We can draw strength in our joy and be a blessing to others who need us to strengthen them in their journey.

Psalms 28:7 -- The Lord is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.

Take Happiness Seriously!

Secret Visitor: The Tell-All Exposé on Being a Church Visitor.

You’ve heard about secret shoppers. These are people who are paid to secretly shop and share their experiences with the public unwittingly revealing weaknesses in the competition. Today I want to reveal my experiences as I have visited churches of a variety of denominations. These are not criticism that are meant to be negative but hopefully what church leaders can learn from.

In my travels I have been like a secret visitor. I am generally invited to attend and even speak in the service but to the general audience, at first I am simply someone unfamiliar. My first impression obviously leaves a lasting feeling. It is obvious to me what is lacking while to the regular attendee, it is often missed. I often wonder if there needs to be a survey taken as people exit the church on their first visit.

This is a tell-all exposé; that is exposing something others don’t usually see. It may even be scandalous to think about the issues that may convey the opposite of it’s intended purpose.

I visit churches everyday. In my travels I may "drop-in" on churches without an appointment. In those times I keenly observe some interesting things that the regular attendee may overlook. The visitor who attends the church may notice many things regular attendees have long forgotten. For example, the average attendee and maybe even church leaders often overlook these items. If I pointed them out they will likely remember seeing these things but grew apathetic to the seriousness of the blemish.

Here are a few. Weeds are over-grown. Entrance signage is lacking. Restrooms are not clearly marked.

For visitors, especially the unchurched (those who seldom attend) these kinds of things are very important. These are things, that if not cared for may create distractions and could even turn visitors off.

1. Your website. 
Often the very first visitor you ever have is made in the secret of their own web surfing. People check your church out first online.

According to a survey conducted by the Pew Research Center, nearly 60% of people who are 30 or younger will search online before visiting a church.
First Impressions Online.

When those seeking your church find you online, they develop a judgement of what they may experience if coming to your church for the first few times. It colors their perspective of you.

Ask yourself:
What are we trying to convey on your website?
Do you use language that is common Christian lingo or code?

If you could clear your mind of all you know about your church what might you need to know?

2. You speak a strange language.
I remember attending a church for the very first time. Although I attend many different experiences this one experience totally threw even me off.

As I approach the church entrance I was greeted by someone, though well-intended m, who obviously wasn’t expecting a visitor. Perhaps the church had very few outsiders. This person attempted to be helpful actually turned me off. Just as I approached the entrance he greeted my by saying, "You have never been here before, have you? At this church we wear a tie and carry a Bible! May I offer you this King James Bible? It is the only book for me."

If I had never been to church I would have likely turned around and left. Since I am a season veteran of church attendance, I simply replied, "You must own the place! May I have your permission to attend?" Later, after speaking a sermon, I think that they wanted a do-over.

It’s not likely that your greeters would have come across that badly but there are things that potential he can turn a visitor off within the first 60 seconds of their arrival. Throughout the experience a visitor may hear a lot of different words they had never experienced or heard before. It may be that they wished somebody handed them the code book. Bear in-mind that as Christians we often use familiar phrases and gestures that a visit or may not understand but ultimately we need to make them feel welcomed and a feeling of belonging.

3. Your parking fails. 
Something that most church leaders fail to recognize is the experience that visitors have when they first pull into your parking lot. Most of the leaders arrive early enough to park wherever they like with plenty of spaces bailable. For visitors, the parking lot matters First in their experience on your campus. If they have trouble finding a parking spot or it seems that all of the good parking, that is parking close to the entrance has been taken they are likely to simply drive out and go to a different church or have an early lunch.

That used to be said that seating capacity determined your attendance but in actuality it is the parking. According to Chuck Lawless, your parking lot is communicating a negative or positive message to your visitor. I highly recommend you read 12 Parking Lot Problems.

Like every other ministry, your parking lot is a ministry. Lawless says that you must pray for this ministry like every other ministry. I believe because it is a chief problem, and maybe an accident waiting to happen (pun intended).

4. Your sacred seat. 
I remember one of the church I attended one Sunday and was asked to move my seat on three different occasions. It was hard to believe but this particular church, though it was small and there was plenty of seating, people had their preference and their seating chart. Ironically, I ended up sitting in the very front row since no one really ever declared that to be their seat.

You might find this humorous but in reality people stick to their turf in their church. While this is more than just a seating problem it is an attitude that is pervasive in the church. We often hear people not wanting to delegate the task or even give up something because it is after all "their" ministry.

The danger of those who have attended a long time is that they become comfortable and even complacent and settle with a rut that could become I distraction to visitors while also creating distance in their relationships. Too often we worry about the style and color and preferences well forgetting about the most central ministry of the church and that is to the community around their neighborhood. I think we find that Jesus could be disappointed that some of the experiences he would have if he was the first time guest in your church.

5. ALL your music is unfamiliar. 
Now this leads me to another point that is likely to be a double edge sword and perhaps a source of irritation for many.

We have to argue about the style of music or we desire to have new music to appeal to the younger but it actuality we’re really missing something significant. We forgot the visitor.

To the visitor, all of the music is unfamiliar! Put yourself in the shoes of someone who seldom attend your church. I remember attending a church one time when they did a special emphasis on visitors. What was interesting to me is that they’ve worked very hard to have all of the right music and prep everyone for visitors. I observed from the balcony as the music was underway. All of the new music was loud and melodic. The worship leaders worked very hard to choose music that would make young people feel welcomed. It was even designed so that visitors would not be put off by stale and uncomfortable lyrics. I observed that the visitors did not sing at all.

Ironically, as the worship continued they sang one song from the hymnal. Perhaps it was to make some of the older people feel more comfortable but what I observed, perched in the balcony, the old hymn made even the visitor want to sing. It was the ever-familiar, Amazing Grace.

It’s not just the music but it is the form of worship order. Well I don’t think that we need to take out every thing familiar to worship we just need to recognize that visitors don’t always have the experience to keep up with everyone else. Whether it’s the standing and sitting at the appropriate times or the ever awkward greeting time, it’s important that we consider how the visitor feels.

6. You pay "special attention" on visitors while neglecting their needs.
Many churches try to find clever ways to identify visitors. It becomes increasingly difficult to identify "outsiders" because so many people move from church to church, like window shopping. Since there is a large frequency of these tactics, I thought I would also share my thoughts from my visitors perspective.

You might call these gimmicks that are used in nearly every church, big or small. The attempt is to make a visitor feel welcomed but from a visitor standpoint it actually may do the opposite. I’ve been there when I’ve been offered a special cup with some candy in it if I would stop at the welcome center before leaving church. It’s these kind of tactics that can become detrimental in your attempt to connect with visitors.

For those that have been to church and may even be visiting from another church it feels very different than the first time guest who has very little experience in the local church. Some churches may even have a welcome packet that you carry with you throughout the day, including a button that you wear that identifies you as being new to church.

Years ago I remember John Maxwell using the tactics of asking visitors to stand at a certain part in the service. Perhaps in those days it was a little more acceptable but today that would be embarrassing and even detrimental. Visitors often want to remain under the radar while taking in the experience.

I remember one Sunday when the pastor not only pointed out who was visiting but he called them up on the platform in and attempt to make them feel welcomed. As you can imagine, it had quite the opposite effect.

I believe that those who are visitors, especially first time guest would rather have authentic and genuine expressions that are kind expressions. A gentle acknowledgment of their attendance may be just the ticket and allow each person to respond as they feel comfortable. Having door greeters can be the perfect solution by simply asking, "Is this your first time?" Or asking, "how often have you attended here?" Perhaps there’s a risk of offending a regular attender but by properly training your congregation can understand this new tactic that can alleviate any of those negative impressions.

Ask yourself:
What do visitors need? Perhaps the most helpful thing you can do is tell people where to find the restrooms, nursery for their kids, and escort them to seating.

How can you provide the best hospitality for people? How have a gift ready for those that self-identify as visitors without making an announcement.

What would make you feel more accepted if it were your first Sunday as a guest? It is more important that you treat people fairly and have a proper follow up that personalizes their experience.

7. You convey the wrong message. 

Visitors are like everyone else. They are just as special as the regular attendee! As churches work overtime to meet new people they may actually be sending the wrong message.

Are you sending the wrong message? Did you know that it is cheaper and more effective to retain people than reach outsiders?

Treat people as you would want to be treated is far more effective than creative gimmicks.

While the church tries to meet the mission it is also important to help your existing congregation to be trained in the process.  It is part of the Great Commission to disciple your people as well. Most of your church people will understand if you explain your motive and responsibilities to help the "others" to find the hope they have in Christ.

Promote your values and you will be amazed by how people respond. They too have needs that your values can meet. Think about it and state with one central question; How is what we do going to bring people into a personal experience with a loving God no matter who they are?

8. Your mission (for insiders) is not consistent with their (outsider) experience. 

Every church usually has a stated mission. Most churches have referred to the Great Commission in Matthew 28 as their mission. While many use other, creative language yet they essentially use the same idea. The idea to reach the lost and the least of the community; those who are outside the church.

It is usually well-intended. No church sets out to convey inconsistent messaging. Yet, never-the-less, they have misaligned messages.  For those on the inside the meaning is an encouragement to be people of outreach. To those that are visiting the message may actually be misunderstood. Even for the passive and non-active attendees the message is that those on the outside are more important than those on the inside.

Pastors may actually believe that this message is motivating but to visitors it is uncomfortable. They are the target and not in personally ways. Visitors are made to feel like they are being sold something. Those who are seldom connected to the church may actually feel strange attending since most seem to understand the meaning of the message. While outsiders often are like the one who hears the joke and punchline but don't get it. They are embarrassed and it reinforces their feeling of not belonging.

I recommend that the mission express the need to love people not just see people as a target. The mission of the Great Commission is that of belonging and by conveying this to outsiders will actually help them to feel more of a part of the organization.


9. Your insiders playbook. 
This brings me to the code book. For those on the outside, our customs and traditions are confusing and we need to define our "churchy" language. When we use ritual or tradition we are conveying culture and tradition that is not at all the experience of those on the outside.

Sure, we may need to educate those who question these activities. This is called discipleship. As new people join in a deeper way many will accept these tradition and conform. It may be the goal of your programs but in reality fewer are attending the deeper walk of faith through Sunday School. We are not surprised to learn that church attendance, especially Sunday School attendance is shrinking.

What is the answer?  It may be that we need to explain more as we lead worship. We may need to use the Sunday Morning Worship time as a form of discipleship. I attended a Catholic Wedding recently. My nephew was joining the Church as part of the tradition and the whole wedding structure was unknown to me and most of my family who grew up Protestant. What was impressive was the way the Priest explained each part of the ritual and activities. I was impressed. He was gentle and gave us the insider's code to each part of the service.

It may be that most of what we do is easily understood but there are some things that we need to explain. As the church spends time in worship, we may need to explain some of the traditions like Communion, Baptism, and most especially the Offering. Simply sharing the "why" we do things is important. We need to go beyond just saying that this is an act of worship for members. We need to explain that generosity is a value we hold to. We need to let everyone know that giving is something everyone can do because it means "sharing" what we have with others. These are consistent with what everyone expects.

I also think that we may need to even explain the many times we "open our altar" up for prayer. This phrase is common to the attendee but for visitors we need to explain that the altar is a symbol of grace and that it is where many meet God in prayer. It is a place of total surrender of our needs to a loving God who deeply cares for the things that concern us most.

Ask yourself: What part of our worship service may feel strange to someone who has not grown up with this tradition?  How can I put into plain language for those that may not understand.


10. Your welcome message sounds canned. 

I cannot explain the importance of this point better that to say, STOP SAYING THE SAME THING OVER-AND-OVER. We have our canned pitch that we may think works but in reality it comes across as a canned statement. It may feel like a script that is read. Most will overlook it if they have heard it so many times.  For those that are new to your church, it may not feel personal. Common phrases I have heard include:

"Please fill out the contact card."
"Please complete the pew pad..."
"Let us know you are here by signing in..."
"If you are visiting with us..."

It may be difficult to track people attending but in reality we may need to explain this activity in simple terms that don't sound like a canned speech. We might want to consider using warm expressions that speak personally to those that are guests. Try saying something like, "Now let me speak to those that may be new here with us. I am glad you are here and I want to meet you. Please meet me after church at the Welcome Center. I want to know how we may meet your needs." Using the "I" word and personally meeting them is an easy and helpful approach for those who  are new.

You may also want to have a designated scout or two looking for visitors or maybe being directed to those that are new by ushers or door greeters can be helpful. Depending on the size of the church you may have to delegate this task but ultimately you want everyone to feel welcomed, not just newbies.

Conclusion. Taking time to re-evaluate the experience of being new is important. Take a vacation from your church and be a visitor a few Sunday's a year. As you observe the parking lot experience or the feeling you have entering the church building, take note and bring those impressions to your leadership team. Make improvements based on what you needed when you were a visitor.

Focus your guest relations on the needs people have not your church needs. Sure you need to know who is attending but in reality your guests need to feel comfortable and relaxed. The church needs to listen and understand that most guests are nervous and often confused about this new environment. They need to feel secure about bringing their children with them. They need to feel safe that no one will call them out during the service. They need to feel certain that they will be treated with normal hospitality that everyone else feels as well.