You and I have done it! We have said something to someone that we wish we could take back. Maybe in anger we have voiced our thoughts in damaging words. You may be like me, I have said something to someone that was not intended to be critical or harsh but it happened. In recent days I have been known for losing my filter; that is I have put to voice what was on my mind. Thankfully it is said more often in humor and with a good attitude. At times it is a joke or a funny expression that comes out at the wrong time. While it may not have hurt anyone it is never-the-less something that is said that I cannot take back.
We all do it and we all wish we could turn back the clock or find ways to apologize for what we shouldn’t have said. Having a clear conscience has meaning. We wish we could have said something or done something to someone differently. Here are some of the common attitudes and sayings that we may have done or said.
There are two perspectives that contribute to the way we treat others. Too often our attitudes and beliefs determine how we act and the motives behind what we say.
1. Attitudes become patterns that can contribute to hurtful things.
What are our motives behind what we say? There are selfish motivations that stir our attitudes and they can contribute to hurtful things.
Words in themselves may not be distructive since it is the intent of those words that cause us to respond negatively. As we promote negative attitudes we can bring injury to another.
2. Beliefs are like systems that control our viewpoints that are too often dogmas that can damage people.
The dogma of our beliefs can bring division. As we develop beliefs without love we can cause damage in relationships. Cultural differences, experiences, and world views can create such systems that exist and can cause hurtful things to be said. Without love our beliefs are not rooted in a healthy context of relationship. Even the Apostle Paul in the scriptures states that being present with giftedness and talents and lacking love we are a resounding gong (I Corinthians 13). It is like an empty chamber that echoes hollow.
We say things we don’t mean that become realities. Words have the power to create. What we say becomes real. God made us into beings with the power to create. Realities take on life that will control us and often restrict us. It begins with our spoken words.
Proverbs 16:23 -- From a wise mind comes wise speech; the words of the wise are persuasive.
Phrases we say can bring bitter hurts or bring healing. These phrases are often based on our attitudes and beliefs.
A. Any phrase that begins with ‘YOU’.
Statements that start with ‘YOU’ are seldom positive. They are often accusatory. They put others on defense and cause strife. People that receive these kinds of statements lose face. They have to defend their pride.
Expressing how we feel is healthy if we maintain a heart of love and hope to bring healing. Sharing healthy "I feel" statements are helpful. Start by saying, "I feel hurt when...." This is a disarming expression because it is not intended to be forceful or cause a defensive attitude.
B. Phrases that include the words ‘ALWAYS’ or ‘NEVER’.
When we use the words always or never to assign blame we state an undetermined variable. Time is assigned that creates unnecessary tension. I encourage us to not say something we will regret especially as we qualify it with an indefinite expression. Never and always has no end a specially in what we say.
It may not have the virtuous ring of the golden rule, but the maxim 'never say never' is one of the most important in ethics. Julian Baggini
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/julian_baggini_561783?src=t_never_say_never
C. Phrases that are intended to hurt or create division.
In the Bible book of James we learn that the tongue is the central control of the entire body. If we can control our tongue we will have the discipline to take every thought captive as well but who can bridle the tongue?
James 3:6-7 -- And among all the parts of the body, the tongue is a flame of fire. It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body. It can set your whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself. People can tame all kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and fish,...
We should hold our tongue because it can bring distraction and division. Someone once said that the patterns of our life dictate our outcomes because they stem from the very core of who we are.
D. Phrases that are spoken in anger.
Never let the sun go down on your wrath is a biblical truth as well as a euphemism that exemplifies this next principle. When words are spoken in anger and emotions are attached and assigned blame is given. Unfortunately so often when there is a hostile exchange there is an assigned feeling attached and then words of anger that are spiteful. Not only do we state things that we cannot take back but we also exchange feelings that can no longer be replaced.
In 2019, we can start anew with a good attitude. As we set our resolutions and goals for the coming year we need to have a positive attitude as well as beliefs that are exchanged in the heart of love.
In 2019, we can offer words that heal. Just as Proverbs 25:15 reminds us that soft speech can break bones so too soft answers turn away wrath.
Proverbs 25:15 -- Patience can persuade a prince, and soft speech can break bones.
What mighty hope the tongue can persuade! As we hold back that which we feel tempted to say, our soft speech can break bones.
Attitudes and beliefs have the power to create good or ultimately render destruction. You may be tempted to say never and always but consider the imperative of such words. Perhaps like The Wood Brothers, "Never and Always", you may find salvation is just out of reach!
The next time that you think about saying something ask yourself this simple question, "Will what I say heal or hurt?"
