1. What am I doing?
It’s not unusual that we felt overwhelmed and under prepared. It wasn’t anybody’s fault because we had terrific support from our local church in from the probation department and we were licensed with. The experiences we’re just a lot to take in.
Many foster parents feel the same way today. I hear story, after story of feelings of uncertainty and in adequacy. Without a doubt, you’re going to face the 101 questions about how to do things and continually learning and adjusting to expectations. For some this is a challenge that motivates and for others it is frightening. For everyone it is normal.
2. How could things like this happen (to kids)?
When you see and hear the tremendous stories of children and youth who have come from hard places, it can break your heart. For foster parents to hear these stories and see the results of abuse and neglect, it is alarming - every time.
Hidden behind closed doors and often silenced, children and youth have endured much in their young lives. You are managing someone else’s mess that is caused great pain and grief and the lives of foster children. Most people don’t even want to know in so many foster parents feel isolated and alone dealing with the negative feeling of what they have heard and seen in the lives of children they love and want to shelter in their homes.
Several of the young teens that lived with us had been sexually abused before they were even five years old. There’s no question that much of what they we’re dealing with caused them to not trust adults, especially men. I could tell you stories that would saddened you deeply.
3. Is there something more I could’ve done?
Our situation was perhaps unique but not uncommon. Nearly every foster child that comes in to care usually is a plan for them to return home. Home is where they should be but in a safe and loving environment with people who truly care about them.
My wife and I often wondered when our teenagers either aged out of the program were reunified to return home after living with us, did we do enough? Along with the feelings of inadequacy and being overwhelmed, we often felt that we did not do enough to prepare them or to care for them but had to leave those concerns with the Lord and in our prayers.
4. Do I have to let them go (home)?
This brings me to the next question that we often asked about having to “let them go” home. We were never prepared for the day when a foster child left our home. They usually came to our home with very few items and we made every effort to add more to what they took back home with them; extra clothes, notebooks, personal items, and gifts.
We never got used to it nor should have we. It was important that we felt something target us but knew that we needed to let them go in hopes that what we formed in our relationship will always carry with them. We hoped that what we gave to them emotionally and, at many occasions, spiritually would be with them. we always hoped that what we offered would help them in life!
5. When is it ever going to get better (for them)?
Heart ache-after-heart ache and tough times seemed endless. Disappointments and heartaches were common place as we dealt with a foster child and all the many people that invaded their young lives.
Heartache after heartache seemed endless.
Our goal for each foster child/teen was to shelter and care for their physical needs and lovingly provide for their spiritual and emotional needs. We wanted to make life better for them and hoped that the abuse and trauma in the midst of so many disappointments could eventually make for a better life for them.
Even when I did CASA work, Court Appointed Special Advocate, I would do everything within my power to be the voice for an infant or child in court, for those who had no voice of their own. I would advocate as best I could in order to make things better for them.
6. How could “they” have done that to “them”?
I’m using a set of pronouns to describe the complexities in this next question. “They” were not necessarily the parents but the community or the extended family and even the legal system.
Compounded by the grief and disappointments are individuals that should have done a better job of protecting and caring for the needs of “them” (the foster children/teens). I can’t begin to tell you the times that I went to court and walked away stunned by the deliberation and arguments that ensued and sometimes even the decision that was handed down buy those in authority. I’m not trying to blame anyone because sometimes life isn’t about fairness but it’s about coping with injustice, even when it happens to those that you have committed yourself to protect and care for.
We had many experiences where we wondered if those who are positioned to provide the best care really deeply felt concerned enough to do the right thing. We saw The effects on the faces of those who lived in our home and because we cared deeply felt sorrow and grief along with them. We couldn’t help but wonder why they couldn’t make a decision that we thought could benefit them. We often wondered how they could’ve done such a terrible thing to them. Sorry for my vagueness but I think you get the point. Perhaps it was more important that we listened and did not always reason or attempt to justify the actions of others. I can tell you the mini times around the dinner table discussing these outcomes were some of the best memories we have today. Why? It was because in those moments of sacred trust that we could experience along with them!
7. How can I best help?
There were times when we didn’t know the answers to what was happening and were completely confused but when interacting with those in our home, we will try to ask questions like this. We wanted to know how we could best help.
Systems of judicial bureaucracy and state mandated systems do not always go as well as it should have. Delay of needed services, denial of important requests, and daily disruptions were normal life experiences. We didn’t have the answers but we felt that if we asked this simple question we usually get further along and it at least give us direction in the moment we needed it.
We didn’t have the answers but we felt that if we asked this simple question we usually got further along and it at least gave us direction in the moment we needed it.
8. What does it mean when someone says, “I could never do what you are doing”?
People who understood that we were doing foster care to at risk youth and saw the many complexities Gruda understand to never say this phrase. Those who walked along with us on the daily journey who are just as unclear about its destination as we were. Yet, there were some who seem to formulate in their minds the idea that we were something special.
Since doing foster care in people still use that phrase, I have to challenge it by saying that of course you could do this ministry. I would ask them questions like, do you care about others? Do you bleed red blood? Do you inhale the same error that I do? And if the answer is yes I would tell them that they too are just as capable. Today I challenge people nearly every day that they have the abilities but like the will. I encourage people that they could do foster care and emergency care, short-term basis through respite services. I remind them that they can help a family that is doing foster care. I let them know that they could organize simple task that would bless caregivers. Each of us have God-given abilities to love and care for and care about the needs of others!
9. Am I going crazy?
Don’t worry, you’re not going crazy. These reassuring words often helped us to cope with circumstances they were beyond our control. Others that would reassure us that we indeed were normal helped us to believe in ourselves.
Systems and life experiences were out of our control which often left us with an out of the world experience. Complexities we’re common place. None of our pat answers were never enough. Each situation was unique. I’m certain that others thought we were crazy but in reality it were those experiences that taught us to be flexible and patient. Life was beyond our control so we often found ourselves waiting and learning to trust.
Foster parents to burned out quickly, which is common, needed to learn to not worry over every detail or make every issue about themselves or even two force their own opinions. The system is not meant to be benevolent. The system is intended to provide regulation and structure but it’s in the living and breathing of day today that we can see potential and transformation. It comes through even if we don’t see it because what we are supposed to do is walk alongside and wait patiently. I find a similar illustration is related to the funeral of a loved one. Those that come in with their pat answers and attempts at sympathy or not the most helpful. Get those that just simply come along to sit a while and listen while demonstrating the art of patience are the most vital of gifts we can offer to those whom are confused and hurting!
10. How do I build trust?
This question really doesn’t have an answer in an exact manner you might think. It is more about the process of listening and learning while also expressing vulnerabilities and seeking understanding that we find the answer.
One of the initial goals of many foster parents is to build trust but it doesn’t come through authoritarian models nor does it come from rules and acts of obedience. Trust is not established immediately but it does happen slowly eventually.
Trust and a sense of connection usually happened through our children before we experienced it. I believe that our children were the reason that we found success in longevity and doing foster care. It’s amazing what they provided that we could never imitate. For our foster children it was like having a little brother or sister. They were something about that relationship that was easier for them to connect with. Even our pets had a better handle on it than we did.
Maybe we would over think instead of just letting life happen. Maybe if we lightened up and tried not to be overbearing and overly consumed by the problem that it could’ve happened much easier. It’s been said that trust is built over time and it could be taken away in a moment.
The ministry of #FosterCare is never meant to be easy but it must take an investment of time and love in order for anything to be accomplished. It also means that we need to rest in the assurance that we cannot solve every issue and problem. We should be humble and willing to wait because pain and trauma, disappointment and loss should not be unraveled quickly.
Just as in every physical injury takes time to heal and needs constant care, it must heal slowly in its own time. I have learned that if you attempt to peel back the scab of a wound too quickly that you will leave permanent scars on the skin surface.
