Untruths: What NOT to Say at a Funeral.

I have said things at funerals that are not really true. Yep, I knew that what I said was not really true but I was making an effort to be caring and supportive. It was an awkward moment that I know you have experienced as well. Go ahead, admit it, you are like me.

You have said untruths like me, albeit with good intentions. An untruth is something we believe that if we say it long enough, it will be true.

It is not just at funerals that we can espouse untruths. Sometimes we carry these ideas into our lifestyle! A famous one I have heard often and maybe you have said it too is, "God helps those that help themselves."  We think that this is biblical but it in reality it is an untruth; it isn't found anywhere is the Bible. I dare you to try to find it in the scriptures.

Untruths are half-truths at best. These are ideas that we might state that changes the focus from God’s promise to our own will and self-help philosophy. Yet, we know for sure that we can always share the promises of God in every situation. (See below for a few of these promises.)

When it comes to funerals, we have the best of motivations. We may have even thought that if we said comforting words that it would help those that are grieving because of incredible loss. We try to bring soothing expressions of love but in reality we are saying things that are not true.

Here are a few saying that I have heard often repeated at funerals but in reality they are untruths.

It will be okay (or even saying that it will get better).

God must have wanted him/her in heaven.

He/She is in a better place.

You will get over it.

God uses all things for good. 

God doesn't give us more than we can bear.(We will look more intently at this phrase later.)

Comforting those who are dealing with loss and grief means choosing our words carefully. Like me you may be those who provided council to the old testament patriarch Job. He went through some of the worst times ever and all his friends could do is find ways to blame the problem on Job. They said thinks like, "It will get better!"  I think that Job would have seen otherwise in the midst of his grief.

When my brother, Glen died I was rather shocked at what people said at his funeral. His death was the result of a suicide. It has been over 10 years now since his death. It was such an unforeseen event. It was troubling and terrible all rolled up into a state of shock and sadness. Family gathered with attempts to comfort and care. Our words were mixed with grief and attempts to bring comfort to siblings and our parents. (No parents should ever have to live with the grief of seeing their children die before they do.)  It is awful and overwhelming.

Someone close to the family offered up the cliche, "God must have needed him in heaven."  Perhaps the person was not aware that Glen committed suicide. Perhaps the person felt that those words would bring us comfort. Maybe he thought that speaking of eternity in such a manner would provide a final closure to such tragic circumstances. Well, it did none of the above!

I have officiated at many funerals. I have been at visitations on plenty more such occasions. I have done funerals for people I have never known. I have grieved as well as I buried good friends and family members. Each of these times I have often wondered what I could say that would be a healing remedy to such a terrible loss. Death is never convenient nor does it come to upon grieving family and friends at the most optimal of settings. It always takes and never does it give!

Recently I officiated at the funeral of my uncle. I was tempted to say some of these untruths: It will get better.... or, God must have needed him in heaven.... or, God doesn't give us more than we can bear! In an effort to provide comfort and care, I was thinking that saying simple phrases could ease the pain of loss. I thought that if only a simple phrase could make everything better!  All I could do was sit silently and offer a patient, caring, and listening presence.  My cousin, who was impacted the most felt the stinging pain of not only the untimely death of our uncle but just two weeks prior the family gathered for the funeral of her mother, my aunt. (In a recent blog entry I shared an entry of what aunts and uncles teach us.)

Over the many years that I have pastored and conducted funerals, sat near to the family of the dying, and visited those at funeral visitations, I have learned one significant lesson. It is our words that actually make the difference!

Memorial of the victims at the Norther
Illinois University school shooting.

In reality it isn't our words that make things better but it is our presence that brings comfort. It is in fact God's presence that brings hope and healing. It is in those times of deep despair that we find friendship necessary. We can easily become isolated due to the awkwardness of the moment and forget that just being present is the source of comfort and care. Words can all to often get in the way.

Few understand the senseless tragedies of school shootings. They all created fear and incredible loss! Just over 11-years ago I served with the Samaritan's Crisis Care Chaplain Network responding to the Northern Illinois University mass shooting. I was dispatched to the first Chaplain Response team. It was there that I came to understand that words matter and that listening matters more! There were no cliche phrases that would have worked in this incident.
In times of loss, like during the funeral of a special friends or family member, we can find that simply sharing memories and experiences we have with the deceased is comforting. Funerals are not a time to breakout into our latest philosophies or ideas of death and dying. It is not a time to espouse doctrine but it is equally not a time to give false narratives either. We need to share truth in times of loss but by doing this carefully and appropriately can be a hard balance.

In a recent article on the pain of Job's loss, I found an answer to my own searching heart.

Job’s crisis was completely unexpected and utterly incomprehensible.  This blameless and upright man who feared God and shunned evil lost everything; every sheep, camel, ox, and donkey that he owned.  A total of 11,500 animals died along with the servants who kept them.  And as if the loss of these possessions and people were not enough, Job’s seven sons and three daughters died when a mighty windstorm destroyed the house they were in.  All of these events occurred within the span of a single day.  The emotional misery and grief was compounded as Job was stricken with boils from head to toe and his only remaining family member, his wife, urged him to curse God and die. No matter what our circumstances, Job’s tragedy reminds us of a few unshakable truths.

Our words and actions reveal our hearts.

In a crisis, a person’s response is significant. Job’s response was striking.  In the midst of a grief that brought him to his knees, Job worshipped.  This act reveals a heart that was as God described it, upright and God-fearing.  Job’s words confirmed his deeds when he spoke to his wife saying, "shall we indeed accept good from God and shall we not accept adversity?  In all this Job did not sin with his lips."  (Job 2:10)  - Written by Cheryl Bell -- Learning from Grief, Listening to Job

I think that being honest is most appropriate but with love and care for those that need comfort is most acceptable. Many times we may feel inclined to share good news in bad times that should demonstrate love and good will toward those in greatest need. Being present is always the right prescription. I call this the ministry of presence in times of trouble. While this is an active ministry, you may feel that you are doing very little to help someone who is dealing with grief and sadness. However, be assured, there is much to be gained by having your simply be present during times of crisis or pain.

I remember having such an overwhelming need to say the right things while visiting a family after a tragic incident that caused the death of a father and friend of mine. The accident was sudden and shocking. It was both tragic and unavoidable but nevertheless many felt the nagging feeling of "what if". They all felt that if only why had come home sooner the accident could have been avoided. Many felt that if only they stuck around to help with the project that was being handled when the accident occurred. I remember thinking some of the same things. I had my own "what if" feelings.

During the hours just after the accident occurred, there I was sitting with the family trying to make sense of the whole event. I was wrestling with what to say. There I sat with the children, ages 5 and 8. I had nothing to offer in answer to their questions. Everyone was asking, why? I thought of scriptures that I could read. I thought of prayers I could have prayed. I often, even today wonder if I did my best to bring hope and healing to a hurting family.

It was during this time and many other tragic scenarios that came to understand that it is okay to say, "I don't know."  Perhaps this is the greatest of all temptations to believe that you must have the answers. It is so tempting to be the hero with not only the answers but also the ability to heal the broken. Yet, not having the answers is actually the best way to be because you are being honest and you don't find yourself giving untruths and passive cliches. 

There are three perspectives that I believe that we can talk about that is very true. These are perspectives that are supported in scripture. I offer these three perspectives so that you can feel a bit of relief as you provide a ministry of presence in times of crisis and pain. I know that these categories have helped me as I minister to people in pain during funerals and visitations or any other type of crisis event that we find ourselves having to give comfort and care.

1. Help Eternal.

I really don't know how families go through such heart-ache and pain without knowing the Lord, Jesus Christ?  It is such a tremendous painful experience to lose a loved one, no matter the circumstance.

Sometimes we think that we can be comforted by the ideas that someone was aged in years or their illness was long.  In reality, death is not ever comforted by such things.

I did the funeral for Merle Phillips. She was 111 and 1/2 years old. Her death was deeply felt by all who were in attendance. The church was packed!  She was loved my many and her contribution was profound. Children and adults were impacted by her. At her funeral we all recalled our stories of remembrance. There were plenty of fond memories that made us laugh to the point of tears! Our loss was not comforted by her years.  We all felt the pain of our loss.

2 Corinthians 4:7-9 New International Version (NIV) reads:

7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

The God-breathed passage reminds us that though we suffer, yet in our faith we are not destroyed! Paul, who faced death many times reminds us that there is HELP ETERNAL. 

We can bring the truth of God's loving hand into our grieving heart. No matter the suffering, we can find God's presence is with us. Paul testifies to this. We too can tell others that God is not unaware nor is He not concerned. What we see here in our grief is not the end of the story. There is a narrative beyond our pain and suffering.

For us today, we need to seek to provide help in times of trouble. It is not what we say that makes the difference, it is being present that does make the difference. We are agents of God's design for help. We need to continue to be the friend and one who continues to care!  We need to stand ready to help!

Even as others sink deep into grief, we need to be the ones that offer support and the counsel that helps bring people to the loving care of Jesus Christ. He too suffered and is acquainted with our grief.  I recently wrote an article on this subject of depression. As a start, we need to offer support groups and wise counsel to help those who are in a cycle of pain. Consider this article as well: "When You are Feeling BLUE."

Back to the phrase, God will not give you more than you can bear is not biblical. It resembles the passage from 1 Corinthians 10:13b. Yet, it is not in the same context as we might think. You see, the biblical passage is referring to temptation not trouble. Job would have argued this point because he suffered far more than humanly possible to bear. It is a misinterpretation that even Job’s friends might have made. The difference is that in temptation, God provides a way of escape!

In trials, as in the case of Job, there was no escape but there was (and is) God’s Grace that is all-sufficient!

To answer all of that and to give my answer to the question, let’s just look at the key texts that I think he probably has in mind. 1 Corinthians 10:13: "No temptation" -- or test, since it is the same word in Greek -- "has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted [tested] beyond your ability [beyond what you are able], but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it." 

When Paul says that God won’t give what is beyond what you are able, he means not beyond what you are able with God’s help. We know that because of a couple of other things he says. For example, in 2 Corinthians 9:8 he says, "God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work."

In other words, in every test or temptation, the question is, Will I do what I ought to do? Paul says, "There will be grace." He does not merely say, "I am depending on you to use your resources without depending on grace." Rather, God is telling us, "I am giving you grace so that there will be grace to do it, but you are not independent of my powers to help." - Desiring God article.

The bottom line is that we need to offer HELP ETERNAL. At minimum we listen and show patience and care. We too can encourage the grieving to seek help from counselors. We must always offer biblical comfort through the word of God. We too need to be agents of God's help, pointing to eternal truths that God loves us, that Jesus understands our pain, and that while this situation is not fair, God's mercy is very real!


2. Hope Eternal.

This leads me to my next point. We might look to it as a source of comfort in times of trial and distress. I call it HOPE ETERNAL. The relationship we have with God, through Jesus Christ is a bedrock of support. Our confidence can be very essential to help someone who is dealing with grief. Instead of saying that it will get better, we need to demonstrate a hope that is beyond ourselves. We need to point to God's eternal hope.

Let me break this down for us. We need to be willing to come alongside those that are grieving. We further need to represent the eternal love our God, through Christ. We are God's ambassadors that point to the eternal hope we have in Jesus Christ.


We can essentially say three things to those that are grieving.


1. God loves and cares for you.  He tells us through Peter that we can cast ALL our cares on Him because He cares for us. (1 Peter 5:7 -- "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." Also: 1 John 4:8b -- "God is love."

2. God is also grieving your loss. He too feels your pain. While we cannot undo the pain we feel, it does mean that he made you a person who feels because you are created in His image. (Isaiah 53:3 --

"He was despised and rejected-- a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief. We turned our backs on him and looked the other way. He was despised, and we did not care.")

3. God can handle our doubt, questions, and anger.  God is not offended by our feelings of loss. He in fact, whats us to go to Him. (Proverbs 19:11 (NIV) --"A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense." Also: Psalm 103:8 -- "The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love")

While we don't have all the answers and it is okay to say that we just don't know, we can assure those that are grieving that it is not about the answers we have or don't have. It is about walking through pain and being honest with God in our times of doubt and despair.  He wants us to be real and not just fake it. 


3. Home Eternal.


Back to the funeral I just did for my uncle. It was really a wonderful occasion to be with family and to share the simple truth of God's love and His plan for our lives. I believe that God was present in all occasions at the funeral.


One of the major theme's I lifted from the Bible is found in John 14. It is perhaps the second most popular passage next to the 23rd Psalm. It is when he told his disciples that he was leaving them and that He was going to prepare a place for them when He comes again. It is a HOME ETERNAL.

Funerals Are a time to share the glorious truth of an eternal home. You may not know where the soul of a stranger may be in eternity but you can share this glorious good news of a HOME ETERNAL with the living!
Among the believers, we can celebrate the eternal riches of a home eternal that is promised in scripture!

The perspective that Job echoes for us today is one of being faithful NO MATTER the circumstance. It is realizing the eternal destiny of our future home. It is seeing the way God sees it. It is knowing that both good and bad befall every person!
Consider the final perspective of Job. See how he remains faithful no matter the trial that came his way! He sees his goal as bring glory to God!

Job 19: 25-27 -- "For I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God; I myself will see him with my own eyes."

Study some passages that remind people of God's incredible promises. There are well over 3,000 promises that we can count on. Consider picking up a copy of the book by Clint Byers, "God Says Yes To Over 3,000 Promises."

Here are a few:
2 Peter 1:4 And because of his glory and excellence, he has given us great and precious promises. These are the promises that enable you to share his divine nature and escape the world’s corruption caused by human desires.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

Matthew 11:28-29 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

Isaiah 40:29-31

He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless.

Even youths will become weak and tired,

and young men will fall in exhaustion.

But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.

They will soar high on wings like eagles.

They will run and not grow weary.

They will walk and not faint.

Philippians 4:19 And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus.

Romans 8:37-39 No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow--not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below--indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Proverbs 1:33 But all who listen to me will live in peace,untroubled by fear of harm."

John 14:27 "I am leaving you with a gift--peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.

Romans 10:9 If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.

Romans 6:23 For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord. The promises of God are powerful and awesome to grasp. I pray that these scriptures about God’s promises were helpful to you today.