Our motives were pure enough. We reason that we could make a difference if we opened our home to foster children. We believed that we could make a difference in the lives of foster children and teens. What we discover, however, is that they teach us so much more!
You might call me naïve. I had little knowledge and lots of idea about making a difference. You, like me, thought that what we had to offer was far better, but in reality, humility is more important.
Let me share a few ways that foster teens have contributed in my life.
It didn’t matter any experiences I’ve ever had before. Each foster teen we had reminded me how blessed I am. Having had similar issues growing up, I thought that I knew enough to relate. In all reality, I discovered that my circumstances were a blessing in comparison.
Most foster parents are well intended as they take children and youth into their home. Most of us believe that we have something to offer. Well, this is true, but it is only part of the story. We learn very quickly, just how blessed we were by comparison. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that we were better but that our experience pales in comparison to the circumstances of many foster children. Our life experience has only taught us in-part, but if we listen, we can gain so much more.
2. Being resilient is a strength.
Children and youth who enter into foster care are amazing people. I can’t even begin to imagine what it would be like to go from moments of confusion and fear only to be placed in the home of another stranger. No matter how well we prepare to receive a child or teenager into our house, nothing can make a child for that experience.
The statistics reveal that children who enter into foster care early in life may be in over ten placements throughout their young life. They develop skills that none of us can relate to unless we have experienced this ourselves. Not even those that have moved around a lot like military kids can relate. Foster children are entering into a strange and new experience on a regular basis.
One of the things that foster children develop over time is resilience. Along with being cynical and frustrated, and even fearful, children develop this trait over time. It helps them to cope with surprises. They may have trouble bonding and relating and also entering into "table talk" around the dinner table. These may seem like weaknesses, but in reality, they have learned to become resilient. Resilience is defined as the ability to "withstand or recover quickly from difficult conditions."
We might even call it shell-shocked as we think about it from a military expression. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is often the by-product of these critical incidents in their lives. Children not only face neglect and abuse at home but even being placed in the loving, caring home environment of a foster parent can be traumatic. It’s hard to put yourself in their shoes, but you would likely respond in very similar ways. When children have to transition constantly, they come into a new environment like a foster home. You might think to yourself that you have one of the most loving and healthy environments, filled with all kinds of comforts, but for a child, or even a teen, it can be stressful.
Over the eight years that we did foster care for at-risk teens that we have in our home, we thought that if we bought their favorite food or bought them a nice outfit and even comfort blankets appropriate for the age, that this would solve everything. It is not like our children. As they came home from an exhausting day at school, a bowl of ice cream seems to make everything better. For foster children, it is not that simple.
I was so amazed as we would learn their story about how incredible these youth were. The foster teens were resilient. Indeed, they react differently than my own children, but as I came to understand, this is a strength! They use their resilience for coping with change and out-of-control situations. As I saw this in them, the better I became as a foster parent. In fact, the better I grow as a person.
3. Defenses are self-protective responses.
Defenses are protective layers that are necessary to maintain mental stability and keep them from on-going abuse. Children and youth who have been abused will often carry this trait with them no matter how loving the environment can be where they reside. I write this knowing that I’m not a counselor nor a therapist by training, but my basic observation is that defenses are necessary until something can replace it that is healthy and wholesome.
Many of the girls that lived with us as foster teens had a little positive experience with men and often a very negative experience with their fathers. At first, I had very little understanding of why it was difficult for them to bond with me. I seemed like a likable guy, but often it was the fact that I was a man and my role that created the obstacle for them. Their defenses we're heightened, creating that hard shell.
Once I could recognize this, it helped me to become a better listener and softened posture and attitude. I had to learn how to be a better father figure. I didn’t have to always to be right. I didn’t have to always have an answer. I didn’t have to always be protective. I didn’t always have to be harsh. I learned, over time, that I could develop trust. This is something that I continue to work on in my life, but I certainly had several excellent teachers in those foster teens.
4. Time heals.
I could not fix what was broken. I don’t know what it is about men (and even women), but we tend to be fixers. Perhaps this is why any of us do foster care. We have customary about how we believe things can be repaired. I continue to learn this through the school of hard knocks. I fail often. Yet, something that I had to learn as a foster parent was that time heals. Indeed it may take a lifetime for many of the scars and wounds that foster children carry with them, but over time, their perspectives change.
Trying to rush into the woundedness can be very dangerous. Somehow we believe that we can fix things quickly that took a lifetime to develop. As we unravel the pain, we can actually do more damage. Foster children teach us that we must allow time for them to heal.
Even in my own life, I know that I cannot be hurried along toward help and wholeness. Even more so with foster children. We must allow time, and properly trained professionals are vital.
Thankfully I’ve never said the harsh words, "just get over it." Perhaps by my actions, I have not allowed time to heal. I have probably placed too many expectations too early in this process. Somehow I believed that if I just set up the right kind of structure and rules that it would cure almost any issue. How wrong I was!
5. Love is patient.
Love is one of those topics; it seems to need careful definition to understand its meaning and implications. Appropriate love is perhaps a better statement as I pursue an understanding of what I have learned from foster children and youth. Prope rlove sets boundaries that are healthy in a relationship. It is not meant to manipulate someone into action. It is not intended to place guilt or expectations that are inappropriate.
As a point of reference, I reflect on the definition the Bible gives as it says that love is patient. Read no further because we must pause right here on the word patient. To be patient doesn’t mean waiting, but it is better understood as a choice to rest in God’s plan. As we rest in Him, we discover how to love His way.
Love is always in context. It is understanding how God fits into everything. As this relates to lessons learned doing foster care is knowing that even when it seems nothing is happening, God is up to something.
I can’t tell you all the times that we have experienced this. It includes those difficult tines. It involves the unknown. It is insightful to know that God is always at work. In our resting, we learn to let go of control and let God work as only He can. It is that time when we thought we failed that God revealed to us years later how He was at work.
For us, doing foster care meant serving at-risk youth without knowing what the future holds. It meant receiving hugs from foster teens long after serving their needs. It means seeing them as adults being successful and making their own decisions that are healthy and hope-filled.
They taught us to rest in future hopes!
6. I don’t have to be perfect.
I have made my share of mistakes! You knew that, didn’t you? I have not done everything correctly. As we work with people, we will make mistakes. As we work with agencies and court services, who work with us in foster care, we will often remain humbled. Systems of care are complex. Solving problems are not easy. The depth of disappointment and pain in foster children are years in the making. It only stands to reason that these concerns will not be repaired overnight.
Though I am not perfect, nor are you, we play an important part in the process. As we commit to receive children and youth into our homes, we must remain humble and recognize that perfection is not the goal. If ever there is a target, it is not doing things correctly and rightly. It is more about staying humble and learn to listen better. It is acting as examples that are not perfect but being willing to learn more. It is saying things with caution and speaking better words of encouragement.
We have the incredible opportunity to enter into close proximity to fragile lives. It is an outstanding experience to offer what little we have in exchange for seeing the potential of foster children develop. We don’t need to be perfect, and those in our care don’t need to be either. We are working to be in partnership with the hope of healing. If we dare chose to remain less-than-perfect, we will be enriched as we journey together.
7. It is okay to pace yourself.
Foster children and youth teach us many things. Each lesson reminds us to remain humble and confident at the same time. Our confidence is not in ourselves but in the process. There are many specialists who enter into the lives of others. I have learned that I am only part of the team.
It is tempting for Foster Parents to either see themselves as miracle workers or martyrs. These two belief systems are very self-oriented. There are many sacrifices we hope others will see and even reward. There are many perspectives that we believe we have had the right perspective. We might even think that "if," "they" would do "it" a certain way that "everything" would be okay.
Can I offer that we need to pace our expectations? One of the best lessons I have learned from our foster teens is that it is okay to not have all the answers. I have learned that I need to pace my expectations! The road that people walk is so very different from mine. I have learned that as I pace myself, my expectations, and my solutions that I am actually reducing the stress of thinking and acting as if the solution is just around the corner.
In reality, the answer is in the process. The foster teens taught me to take time to resolve the complexities, and as I admit this, I can actually be a part of the solution. Just as the at-risk teens have to work through these complexities, so do we.
I’ve seen over and over how many foster parents burn out because this is a wearisome task. Perhaps the greatest lesson for me is to pace myself so that I do not grow weary in well-doing. It does no one any good if I burn out because I have put too much on my shoulders and placed too great an expectation on the foster children. We are needed for the long-haul because it will take longer than expected to remedy and unravel the mystery of healing that brings hope along the way.
Doing foster care is like the sunrise or the sunset. If we patiently rest in this experience, we can take in the beautiful array of colors and shadows, the transition of one day into the next. We might say that it is a moment by moment, day by day experience. We journey in an unknown process, but it is in that journey that we experience tremendous satisfaction knowing that we did our part. If we allow foster children and teens to teach us some things along the way, we will be better, not bitter, and develop a greater depth of love and grace.
