Waking up early and filled with anticipation on Christmas morning isn't the normative for every child. I have experienced this along with opening Christmas gifts that had shared expressions of love and kindness. I can remember the many Christmas programs I took part in as well as those that I attended with a pride and joy that many other parents experienced. Christmas is filled with memories that even today bring about smiles and laughter.
We first came to realize first-hand the differences when we were foster parents of teenagers. We thought we were doing the right thing, after all, everyone had similar experiences, right? Wrong! We soon realized that often children and youth in foster care are dealing with a broad spectrum of feelings and experiences that surprised us. There were feelings of loss and separation that we should have anticipated. We were trained for this and I even had experiences in Probation work and had volunteered as a Court Appointed Special Advocate. I worked with families as a pastor and thought I knew enough but not until we experienced foster care first-hand did we have an understanding of what kids and youth may experience.
We often talk about the first time we celebrated Christmas with a foster teen. It was fun to shop for our foster daughter who was fifteen at the time. We were still working though some of the trust factors and made every attempt to create a bond with her. It was curious that the bond and trust was almost instantaneous with our children who were in elementary and preschool at the time. I was told that it may be that often teens connect well with other siblings, especially younger ones because they are children themselves. Socially and emotionally they are delayed in their adolescence because of trauma and abuse. Educationally they are often delayed by years of missing traditional education programs. Inconsistencies occured because of the frequent moves of the family that made it difficult for our foster daughter to keep up with her peers. Having younger siblings makes them feel more comfortable.
One Christmas tradition that we experienced with our own children was the annual Christmas Eve Church Service and the opening of one gift before bed-time. Our children were very familiar with this tradition. "Pajamas again!" the kids often complained. Our tradition dates back to our childhood when our parents would "surprise us" with the Christmas Eve pajamas gift. We thought that this tradition would be a good one to pass on but not meaning to be insensitive we excused our tradition as if everyone did this. The year that we packaged the Christmas Eve pajamas gift Cindi decided to make them extra special. Our daughter Josslyn and our foster daughter were to wear matching pajamas complete with their favorite Sesame Street character, Elmo. Our children met them with their typical, "Pajama again!" attitude. While our foster daughter, new to this tradition, reacted with excitement. Matching pajamas with Josslyn made this tradition one of goodwill and love. They had to try them on right away and wanted us to take a picture of the two of them in front of the Christmas Tree. It all worked out in the end and the tradition is something that brought about a trust and bond that we still share fondly. It could have turned out negatively however because we made casual assumptions about faith and family values that may not have been true for our foster daughter. We may have inadvertently brought shame or confusion and even heartache since this was not her tradition.
We learned that Christmas and other holidays brings with it a variety of negative experiences. We made better attempts in the future to make sure that our foster children would feel love, acceptance, and care during holidays since they could not be with their own family.
On another occasion we hosted Thanksgiving at our home and invited our other foster girl to help us not only prepare the meal but to invite her mother to our home for the annual holiday feast. Learning from our first effort to make the Holidays special we asked our foster daughter what would make Thanksgiving special. After receiving permission from our licensing agency, the County Probation Office, we began to plan. For our foster teen at that time was a remarkable opportunity. She was able to actually assist in making the foods that were served. It brought pride and self-respect to her and her mother loved the opportunity to visit with us which gained trust in our care for her daughter. It was a supervised visit that didn't have the usual uncomfortable setting. It was a Thanksgiving that still today we feel resembled the first community gathering that marks this tradition.
As we furthered our nearly eight years of fostering, we learned to be more inclusive of the differing experiences. Even birthdays were not "as usual". We found that we needed to seek permission with a greater need to be sensitive to their experiences. We found that we needed to ask more questions from counselors and our licensing agency as well as our foster teens. We found that as we respected the history of their experiences that we could enhance the occasion. Once we learned how to best meet the needs of foster teens we were better equipped to enhance their experiences. We learned that it was okay to change our traditions and to be inclusive of other traditions that made the occasion even more special for the foster teen.
Once, while giving gifts one of the foster daughters decided that it would be fun to give us a gift. Using her own money she bought me and Cindi Lottery Tickets. The tradition was something that her family thought nothing about. You may even be asking yourself what the big deal was for me. If you know me you would know that I am dead-set against gambling in any form. I think that the foster teen knew this and may have even thought this would make for great humor. I am sure that the look on my face was funny enough but she could wait for me to scratch off the ticket. Instead of making this some kind of a lesson Cindi scratched of hers right away and actually won some money. I was a bit more reluctant until my wife said, "Come on, it is a gift!" I eventually scratch off the ticket. I didn't win any money but I learned that some traditions, while they are not my experience can be fun and it might event create just the bond and trust you have been hoping for.
Keeping Holidays or Birthdays positive and while remaining open-minded can produce experiences that will keep you laughing many years later. I have to say that I have certainly learned how to "lighten up" and "go with the flow" as well as learn how to deepen traditions that build trust and demonstrates love.
