This article is a rough draft on the topic of conflict management. It may never get published. If it helps you or other believers, feel free to use its content. I remember when I first begin to study this passage and dig deeply into its relevance for my life. It was over fifteen years ago when I found my life circumstance in great need of biblical perspectives when dealing with conflict. Over the past twenty years as I have served churches as a pastor I found many occasions when there was conflict.
There are generally two reactions to conflict. They are called the “fight or flight” reactions. Seldom do we remain neutral. Our emotions are enacted and we response internally and externally. We either stake out our territory or we concede. The truth is that conflict is inevitable. If you are breathing, you will face conflict. You don’t have to look for it because it will find you!
In my ministry I have served in several areas of life that have been filled with manageable conflict. I have served as a pastor, court appointed special advocate (for abused and neglected children), juvenile probation officer and court liaison, foster care provider, police and jail chaplain, college administrator as well as community leader. I have seen many examples of how unmanaged conflict can create unhealthy relationships and organizational dysfunction.
Here is the basic outline on the topic of conflict.
A couple of underlying perspectives:
Conflict is inevitable – it cannot be avoided or ignored…it will happen!
We must learn to manage conflict –
We can bring healing to broken relationships –
Overview of the passage:
Paul was confronted with a difficult situation. A slave, Onesimus puts Paul in a very difficult situation. He is forced to mediate between the two. Paul serves as a peacemaker – a kind of mediator (like Jesus) to bring two separated parties together for a healthy outcome. The goal is relational not obligation. The outcome is a demonstration of grace. The following are several principles that helps bring structure to managing conflict and relationships.
During biblical days the rights of the slave were limited. They were obligated to obey, serve and are treated without regard to personal privileges. The owner of slaves had the right and power of life and death. Philemon had every right to execute Onesimus under law. However, Paul addressed a difference justice. He addressed the situation from a biblical and godly perspective. He was now addressing two believers as he managed conflict. These steps help layout an action step for how to handle and manage conflict from a godly – Christ-like perspective.
Notice right off that Paul’s attitude was positive and affirming. He set aside human tendencies and confronted a situation with grace and love.
You can also see that Paul was assertive as he managed this conflict. He didn’t take sides or undermine. He gave godly wisdom that required something from both parties.
Paul ask Philemon to find grace and set aside his rights. Paul ask Onesimus to have faith and risk certain death.
1. Compliment – start with a positive expression – vs 1-3 (Paul started by focusing on God’s Grace.)
2. Concern – express genuine concern for others – vs 4-6 (Paul prayed for and was concerned about Philemon.)
3. Congratulations – celebrate relationships – vs 7 (Paul identified and focused on positive truth in the relationship.)
4. Compromise – a meeting in the middle and concern for the bigger picture – vs 10-13 (Paul helps by pointing out the value of each person’s contribution and gives focus on the ministry – as well he begins to mediate and call for a compromise.)
5. Choice – the right to be heard, understood and choose – vs 14-16 (each person has a choice. We cannot make someone reconcile.)
6. Challenge – the need to overcome the conflict is usually based on someone making sacrifices – vs 17-20 (Paul leveraged his relationship with Philemon and he takes necessary steps to end the stalemate/standoff.)
7. Confidence – an positive expectation for the right outcome – vs 21 (Paul is expressing confidence that God is working on Philemon to bring a positive resolve.)
VS 23-24 – Agreement/Accountability – it may be advisable to have others (a fellow brother) join you in confronting conflict. Paul reminds Philemon that others are also aware and are in agreement with the outcomes that bring Glory to God.
Bottom line: VS 25 – THE GRACE OF OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST is the focus of a healthy outcome. Where bitterness and resentment reside is pain and dysfunction. Where there is love and grace there is hope, healing and peace. Follow these simple steps and God will reward your spirit with mercy!
Written by Rev. Rick Carder.
Currently Director of Alumni Relations for the College of Arts and Sciences, Indiana Wesleyan University
