Untruths: Assumed Theology! (What NOT to Say at a Funeral.)
My original title was, “What NOT to say at a funeral.”
A famous one I have heard often and maybe you have said it too is, "God helps those that help themselves." We think that this is biblical but it in reality it is an untruth; it isn't found anywhere is the Bible. I dare you to try to find it in the scriptures. Did you know that this actually is a theology the is lifted from the Book of the Koran? (13:11 — “Indeed Allah will not change the condition of a population until they change what is in themselves.” — Benjamin Franklin popularized as hell was quoting from Poor Richard’s Almanack of 1736.) Other phrases we hear include:
1. Cleanliness is next to godliness.
2. God moves in mysterious ways.
Untruths (Assumed Theology) are half-truths at best. These are ideas that we might state that changes the focus from God’s promise to our own will and self-help philosophy. We assume that these are ideas that point to God (Theology). **Yet, we know for sure that we can always share the promises of God in every situation. (I will share more about what God promises later in this message!)
Barna Research group’s survey in 2000 found that 75% of Americans and 40% of Christians believe this is a truth found in the Bible. A more recent survey says that 68% of Christians believe this statement is in the Bible.
When it comes to funerals, we have the best of motivations. We may have even thought that if we said comforting words that it would help those that are grieving because of incredible loss. We try to bring soothing expressions of love but in reality we are saying things that are not true.
Here are a few sayings that I have heard often repeated at funerals but in reality they are untruths.
It will be okay (or even saying that it will get better).
God must have wanted him/her in heaven.
He/She is in a better place.
You will get over it.
God uses all things for good.
God doesn't give us more than we can bear.(You might even be shocked by my mentioning this as a potential “UNTRUTH” if spoken at a funeral... We will look more intently at this phrase later.)
** I think that Job would have seen otherwise in the midst of his grief. ** —
I have officiated at many funerals. I have been at visitations on plenty more such occasions. I have done funerals for people I have never known. I have grieved as well as I buried good friends and family members. Each of these times I have often wondered what I could say that would be a healing remedy to such a terrible loss. Death is never convenient nor does it come to upon grieving family and friends at the most optimal of settings. It always takes and never does it give!
In reality it isn't our words that make things better but it is our presence that brings comfort. It is in fact God's presence that brings hope and healing. It is in those times of deep despair that we find friendship necessary. We can easily become isolated due to the awkwardness of the moment and forget that just being present is the source of comfort and care. Words can all-to-often get in the way.
In a recent article on the pain of Job's loss, I found an answer to my own searching heart.
Cheryl Bell offers up a few ideas in a recent article I read on grief. — “Job’s crisis was completely unexpected and utterly incomprehensible. This blameless and upright man who feared God and shunned evil lost everything; every sheep, camel, ox, and donkey that he owned. A total of 11,500 animals died along with the servants who kept them. And as if the loss of these possessions and people were not enough, Job’s seven sons and three daughters died when a mighty windstorm destroyed the house they were in. All of these events occurred within the span of a single day. The emotional misery and grief was compounded as Job was stricken with boils from head to toe and his only remaining family member, his wife, urged him to curse God and die. No matter what our circumstances, Job’s tragedy reminds us of a few unshakable truths.”
Cheryl continues: “In a crisis, a person’s response is significant. Job’s response was striking. In the midst of a grief that brought him to his knees, Job worshipped. This act reveals a heart that was as God described it, upright and God-fearing. **Job’s words confirmed his deeds when he spoke to his wife saying, "shall we indeed accept good from God and shall we not accept adversity? In all this Job did not sin with his lips." (Job 2:10) - Written by Cheryl Bell -- Learning from Grief, Listening to Job
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I think that being honest is most appropriate but with love and care for those that need comfort is most acceptable. Many times we may feel inclined to share good news in bad times that should demonstrate love and good will toward those in greatest need. Being present is always the right prescription. I call this the ministry of presence in times of trouble. While this is an active ministry, you may feel that you are doing very little to help someone who is dealing with grief and sadness. However, be assured, there is much to be gained by having your simply be present during times of crisis or pain.
It was during this time and many other tragic scenarios since that came to understand that it is okay to say, "I don't know." Perhaps this is the greatest of all temptations to believe that you must have the answers. It is so tempting to be the hero with not only the answers but also the ability to heal the broken. Yet, not having the answers is actually the best way to be because you are being honest and you don't find yourself giving untruths and passive cliches.
There are three perspectives that I believe that we can talk about that is very true.
**As a church, we have been through a lot....that is what has prompted my heart to share.**
These are perspectives that are supported in scripture. I offer these three perspectives so that you can feel a bit of relief as you provide a ministry of presence in times of crisis and pain. I know that these categories have helped me as I minister to people in pain during funerals and visitations or any other type of crisis event that we find ourselves having to give comfort and care.
1. HELP Eternal.
I really don't know how families go through such heart-ache and pain without knowing the Lord, Jesus Christ?? It is such a tremendous painful experience to lose a loved one, no matter the circumstance.
Sometimes we think that we can be comforted by the ideas that someone was aged in years or their illness was long. In reality, death is not ever comforted by such things.
2 Corinthians 4:7-9 New International Version (NIV) reads:
7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.
The God-breathed passage reminds us that though we suffer, yet in our faith we are not destroyed! Paul, who faced death many times reminds us that there is HELP ETERNAL.
We can bring the truth of God's loving hand into our grieving heart. No matter the suffering, we can find God's presence is with us. Paul testifies to this. We too can tell others that God is not unaware nor is He not concerned. What we see here in our grief is not the end of the story. There is a narrative beyond our pain and suffering.
For us today, we need to seek to provide help in times of trouble. It is not what we say that makes the difference, it is being present that does make the difference. We are agents of God's design for help. We need to continue to be the friend and one who continues to care! We need to stand ready to help!
Even as others sink deep into grief, we need to be the ones that offer support and the counsel that helps bring people to the loving care of Jesus Christ. Jesus suffered and is acquainted with our grief. I recently wrote an article on this subject of depression. As a start, we need to offer support groups and wise counsel to help those who are in a cycle of pain. Consider this article as well: "When You are Feeling BLUE." ~ Believe | Laugh | Understand | Engage again!
Back to the phrase, God will not give you more than you can bear. **It may seem to echo the passage from 1 Corinthians 10:13b. Yet, it is not in the same context as we might think. You see, the biblical passage is referring to temptation — in part because Paul says that God has provided a way of escape! Our temptations are not fatalism.
**That is to say, oh well, the devil made me do it!** (another untruth!)
The difference is that the strength and ability to withstand is the result of GOD, NOT MAN!
As it relates to trouble, Job would have argued this point because he suffered far more than humanly possible to bear. It is a misunderstanding that even Job’s friends might have made. The difference is that in temptation, God provides a way of escape!
In trials, as in the case of Job, there was no escape but there was (and is) God’s Grace that is all-sufficient!
Recent article: (Quote): “To answer all of that and to give my answer to the question, let’s just look at the key texts that I think he probably has in mind. 1 Corinthians 10:13: "No temptation" -- or test, since it is the same word in Greek -- "has overtaken you that is not common to man. **God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted [tested] beyond your ability [beyond what you are able], but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it." **
When Paul says that God won’t give what is beyond what you are able, he means not beyond what you are able with God’s help. We know that because of a couple of other things he says. For example, in 2 Corinthians 9:8 he says, "God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work."
In other words, in every test or temptation, the question is, Will I do what I ought to do? Paul says, "There will be grace." He does not merely say, "I am depending on you to use your resources without depending on grace." Rather, God is telling us, "I am giving you grace so that there will be grace to do it, but you are not independent of my powers to help." - Desiring God article.
Temptation & Testing in this context is only related to the issue of sinful desires and SELF-SEEKING disposition! It does mean that WITH GOD we can have victory!
Consider what Russell D Moore meant in his book, “Tempted and Tried”.
Quote: (See page 20) “The temptations themselves are, as scripture puts it, common to man from 1 Corinthians 10:13.… “And in Jesus’ desert testing we see how true this is. Here the scripture identifies for us the universal stages of temptation. You will be tempted exactly as Jesus was because Jesus was being tempted exactly as we are. You will be tempted with consumption, security, and status. You will be tempted to provide for yourself, to protect yourself, and to exalt yourself. And at the core of these three is a common impulse — to cast off the fatherhood of God.”
The bottom line is that we need to offer HELP ETERNAL. At minimum we listen and show patience and care. We too can encourage the grieving to seek help from counselors. We must always offer biblical comfort through the Word of God. We too need to be agents of God’s help, pointing to eternal truths that God loves us, that Jesus understands our pain, and that while this situation is not fair, God’s mercy is very real!
2. HOPE Eternal.
This leads me to my next point. We might look to it as a source of comfort in times of trial and distress. I call it HOPE ETERNAL. The relationship we have with God, through Jesus Christ is a bedrock of support. Our confidence can be very essential to help someone who is dealing with grief. Instead of saying that it will get better, we need to demonstrate a hope that is beyond ourselves. We need to point to God's eternal hope.
Let me break this down for us. We need to be willing to come alongside those that are grieving. We further need to represent the eternal love our God, through Christ. We are God's ambassadors that point to the eternal hope we have in Jesus Christ. We point to the promises of God!!
Recent sign at a church: “FAITH DOESN’T GET YOU OUT OF TROUBLE; it gets you THROUGH trouble!
We can essentially say three things to those that are grieving.
1. God loves and cares for you. He tells us through Peter that we can cast ALL our cares on Him because He cares for us.
(1 Peter 5:7 -- "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." Also: 1 John 4:8b -- "God is love."
2. God is also grieving your loss. He too feels your pain. While we cannot undo the pain we feel, it does mean that he made you a person who feels because you are created in His image.
Isaiah 53:3 --
"He was despised and rejected-- a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief. We turned our backs on him and looked the other way. He was despised, and we did not care.")
3. God can handle our doubt, questions, and anger. God is not offended by our feelings of loss. He in fact, whats us to go to Him.
(Proverbs 19:11 (NIV) --"A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense." Also: Psalm 103:8 -- "The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love")
While we don't have all the answers and it is okay to say that we just don't know, we can assure those that are grieving that it is not about the answers we have or don't have. It is about walking through pain and being honest with God in our times of doubt and despair. He wants us to be real and not just fake it.
3. HOME Eternal.
One of the major theme's I lifted from the Bible is found in John 14. It is perhaps the second most popular passage next to the 23rd Psalm. It is when he told his disciples that he was leaving them and that He was going to prepare a place for them when He comes again. It is a HOME ETERNAL.
Funerals & crisis are extraordinary times to share the glorious truth of an eternal home. You may not know where the soul of a stranger may be in eternity but you can share this glorious good news of a HOME ETERNAL with the living!
Among the believers, we can celebrate the eternal riches of a home eternal that is promised in scripture!
The perspective that Job echoes for us today is one of being faithful NO MATTER the circumstance. It is realizing the eternal destiny of our future home. It is seeing the way God sees it. It is knowing that both good and bad befall every person!
Consider the final perspective of Job. See how he remains faithful no matter the trial that came his way! He sees his goal as bring glory to God!
Job 19: 25-27 -- "For I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God; I myself will see him with my own eyes."
Study some passages that remind people of God's incredible promises. There are well over 3,000 promises that we can count on. Consider picking up a copy of the book by Clint Byers, "God Says Yes To Over 3,000 Promises.
So, INSTEAD OF SPEAKING UNTRUTHS — ASSUMED THEOLOGY, offer His Word!!
**Write down some of God’s promises you have memorized!! **
In conclusion, it is important to remember that our words, especially during sensitive times such as funerals, carry weight. We must be careful not to propagate untruths, even with the best of intentions. Instead, we should focus on providing comfort through our presence and pointing towards the eternal truths found in scripture.
We should refrain from using clichés and assumed theology that may not be biblically accurate or helpful to the grieving. Instead, we should offer the ministry of presence, being there for those in pain, and pointing them towards the eternal help, hope, and home that is found in God.
We should remember that it is okay to admit that we do not have all the answers. In fact, honesty in such situations can be more comforting than offering platitudes. We should also remember that God can handle our doubts, questions, and anger. He wants us to be real with Him, even in our times of grief and despair.
In times of loss, we should focus on the promises of God. We should remind those who are grieving of God's love and care for them, His understanding of their pain, and His promise of an eternal home.
In the end, it is not about having all the answers or saying the right things. It is about being there for those who are grieving, offering comfort through our presence, and pointing them towards the eternal truths found in God. It is about offering help, hope, and a glimpse of the eternal home that awaits us all.
So, let us be mindful of our words, especially during sensitive times such as funerals. Let us refrain from propagating untruths and instead focus on providing comfort through our presence and pointing towards the eternal truths found in scripture. Let us be agents of God's love, offering help, hope, and a glimpse of the eternal home that awaits us all.
