There was a time when I didn’t think I could forgive him. Not because I didn’t want to… but because the pain felt too real.I have come to learn that I need to forgive, not to expect anything in return. Simply, I had to let go of pain and receive something that frees the heart!
Forgiveness is not pretending it didn’t hurt.
Forgiveness is not forgetting.
Forgiveness is not excusing.
Forgiveness is releasing.
As I sit beside him now, I see his humanity more clearly than ever before.
To care for him now in this vulnerable space is an honor. The complex has become simple.
All those years ago when I found the strength to admit my own pain is now washed away in light of this fragile moment, quickly shrinking away.
The man I struggled to understand…
is not so different from the man I see in the mirror.
And that realization changes everything.
Because the grace I need…
is the grace I must give.
Forgiveness is not something that arrives at once. It is over time that something is renewed in me. It mends that brokenness and admits my own need not the need of my father.
I held onto things that were painful. My misunderstanding is now being freed and especially as I see my own need as a father myself.
There is no excusing what I feel and the hurt that I needed to release. It was on my side of responsibility that I acted on so many years earlier.
Was it that Dad needed grace? Indeed, just as I now need grace…
as I have children…
And grandkids of my own.
It is something I return to.
Again and again.
It is happening in real time.
In patience.
In presence.
In compassion.
And I am learning something powerful:
Forgiveness does not set him free first.
It sets me free.
Free from carrying the weight of the past.
Free from expecting what may never come.
Free from letting pain define the relationship.
Forgiveness does not erase the story.
It redeems it.
Forgiveness is more about giving than receiving.
Somehow, we’ve come to believe that forgiveness is only complete when it is acknowledged—when the other person responds, repents, or reciprocates. But true forgiveness is not dependent on a response.
In its purest form, forgiveness is an act of love given freely—without requiring anything in return.
We often think reconciliation and forgiveness are the same thing, but they are not.
Reconciliation requires two people.
Forgiveness can be given by one.
If we believe someone has wronged us, it becomes important—not just for them, but for us—that we forgive.
Why?
Because forgiveness frees the heart.
It frees our heart.
It allows us to love again without the weight of what has been done to us.
Forgiveness is not making excuses for bad behavior.
It is not ignoring injustice.
And it is certainly not pretending that pain didn’t happen.
The problem with injustice is that it demands something from another person—an apology, an acknowledgment, a correction. But forgiveness does not wait for those things.
Forgiveness releases… even when nothing is returned.
Grace works the same way.
Like trust, grace is first given.
It is not earned.
It cannot be purchased.
It is extended.
Before healing can begin, the heart must first be released from the grip of pain.
That is where forgiveness begins.
I’m reminded of the words of Jesus:
“If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.” (Matthew 6:14–15)
These are not easy words.
But they are honest ones.
All of us have experienced injustice in some form.
Some of it is recent.
Some of it is generational.
Some of it runs deeper than we even realize.
Forgiveness does not excuse what was done.
But it does something just as important:
It releases the ongoing grief and suffering that continues long after the moment has passed.
When we forgive, we are not saying, “It didn’t matter.”
We are saying, “It will not control me anymore.”
And in that release, something sacred happens.
Our Heavenly Father meets us with grace.
And healing begins.
Now, I want to be clear about something.
If you are dealing with deep pain, injustice, or abuse, it is important—wise even—to seek professional counseling. Forgiveness is not a shortcut around healing.
But in my own experience, I have found this to be true:
Even when the scars remain…
the pain can begin to heal.
I remember a time when I was deeply wounded by people I trusted.
People I had been vulnerable with.
They said things about me that cut deeply—things I did not expect, and things I could not easily forget.
At first, the pain stayed with me.
It lingered.
It replayed.
It tempted me toward something very natural:
To defend myself.
To retaliate.
To get even.
But that is not forgiveness.
The turning point came when I chose—quietly, personally—to forgive.
Not necessarily out loud.
Not even always in conversation with them.
But in my heart.
I made a decision:
I would not carry this anymore.
I would not let it take root.
I would not let it define how I responded or who I became.
And something changed.
Not overnight.
Not completely.
But noticeably.
The pain began to loosen its grip.
The weight began to lift.
The story began to shift.
Because forgiveness did something that retaliation never could.
It set me free.
Final Thought
Forgiveness is not natural.It is not easy.
It is not always immediate.
But it is necessary.
Because in the end, forgiveness is not about winning.
It is about healing.
And when we release others through forgiveness…
we give our own heart permission to live again.
Forgiveness is not the absence of pain.
It is the decision that pain will not have the final word.
And in that decision…
…the heart is finally free.
Read the conclusion here.
